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The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence.'
-
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .
And furthermore
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
(Loved this one!)
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
' LOW COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)
6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'REAR CLEAVAGE.'
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Rectal Cranial Inversion RIGHT ON!!! [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img]
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*still laughing about the electric fence*
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SOUTHERN WOMEN
Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.
Southern women know their manners:
'Yes, ma'am.'
'Yes, sir.'
'Why, no, Billy!'
Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions:
'Y'all come back!'
'Well, bless your heart.'
'Drop by when you can.'
'How's your Momma?'
Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick
Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Dahlin'
Shugah
Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football
Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly
Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna
Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler
Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon
Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't 'HAVE' them, you 'PITCH' them.
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,
peas, beans, etc., make up 'a mess.'
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction
of 'yonder.'
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long 'directly' is, as in: 'Going to
town, be back directly.'
Even Southern babies know that 'Gimme some sugar' is not a request for the
white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the
middle of the table.
All Southerners know exactly when 'by and by' is. They might not use the
term, but they know the concept well.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for
a neighbor who's done got into trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and
a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between 'right near'
and 'a right far piece.' They also know that 'just down the road' can
be 1 mile or 20.
Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a
redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
A Southerner knows that 'fixin' can be used as a noun, a verb, or an
adverb.
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines,... and when we're
'in line,' we talk to everybody!
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage.
In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural, and all y'all's is
possessive plural
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are
perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that
fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, 'Well, I caught myself lookin',' you know you
are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say 'sweet tea' and 'sweet milk.' Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened. 'Sweet milk' means you don't want buttermilk.
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, 'Bless her heart'
and go your own way.
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness:
Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the
morning. Bless your heart!
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long
time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'all's front porch that reads, 'I
ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.'
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now I am soooo hungry....I haven't had red-eye gravy in ages....
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I don't know what that is, but I hope it's better than it sounds...
-
OH yes...knowing that you like pork and can safely say red-eye gravy would do you well. It is gravy you make from the rendering of a ham that you have baked. If you use pineapple and brown sugar then your gravy will be a tangy and sweet.
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Oh, that does sound good. Severely unhealthy, though. Like liquid triple bypass. But well, all good things are.
-
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back t o the bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
